Humor

Apple should deliver ‘Sphonatch’ as greatest-selling, most amazing thing ever

English: Bharata Asks for Rama's Footwear

English: Bharata Asks for Rama’s Footwear (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think Apple missed the boat with the Apple Watch, iWatch or whatever it’s called. Hey, Apple fans, seriously, I know it’s called Apple Watch, but I find it ironic that a company who debuted the demise of the watch with the release of the iPhone many moons ago, is now touting the formerly obsolete technology as no longer so. In fact, they want Apple Watch to be known as a smart watch, implying traditional watches are dumb.

The only thing that’s dumb in this case is Apple’s unwillingness to truly innovate. Recycling the traditional timepiece into a modern day computer is not such a brilliant idea. We are to believe that watches are again fashionable and cool because Apple mandates them to be.

Dick Tracy was the original smart watch user. The Apple Watch is neither original nor smart. I would suggest Dick Tracy would not line up for the Apple Watch once available. In fact, he’d much prefer a Shoe Phone like Don Adams as Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, had in the popular 60s sitcom, Get Smart.

I only say this half-jokingly. The jokingly part is that Dick Tracy was a comic book character, so he’s not a real person; he starred in funny books. He used his smart phone, I mean, swatch, err, watch, to communicate and do all manner of things (I can’t remember a lot of them to tell you the truth).

Fast forward to modern times and Dick Tracy could be considered part of the inspiration for the Apple Watch. I so far resist the temptation to leave out the “the” in front of Apple Watch as “Apple Watch” without the “the” in front of it seems presumptuous—Apple Watch, the watch formerly known as “The” Apple Watch.

The serious part of Apple Watch (I know, I dropped the “the,” but it’s a new paragraph), is that a smaller computer attached to our wrists might be just the thing some of us need. But I can’t stop thinking that a Shoe Phone doubling as a time piece and computer with lots of other apps, is a much better form factor.

The smart shoe phone watch or whatever you’d like to call it (sphonatch, anyone?) would have the one killer feature that Apple Watch will not have: built in foot massage. Subsequent versions could have reflexology, too, but I digress.

This image shows a series of footwear impressi...

This image shows a series of footwear impressions / shoeprints recovered from a crime scene. (From Top to bottom) 1- Footwear impressions found at a crime scene. 2- Test footwear impressions made a suspect’s footwear. 3- Photo of the outsoles of footwear recovered from a suspect. 4- Photo of the suspect’s footwear. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Think about it. Watch bands cut off your circulation eventually. They aren’t the most comfortable things to have wrapped around your wrist, especially if you suffer from carpal tunnel. But in fairness to some of the advantages of the Apple Watch feature set, it was reported that Apple CEO Tim Cook confirmed the tracking ability (via Bluetooth signals) of this computer/time piece as users walk around.

This is going to be great for joggers who decide to leave for a run without telling their significant others. This is pretty nice technology. But now I’m thinking the sphonatch could have similar tracking features, too, and in the better overall form factor as mentioned above that includes built-in foot massage.

The sphonatch would be able to massage the feet of its runner but I envision in a version 1.0 of the device that it’d only be able to work on one foot at a time. In order to get the full massage effect you’d have to buy a left and right sphonatch. But let’s say you had rolled an ankle recently, you’d only need the support and comfort of one sphonatch on the bad ankle.

Shoes are much more of a fashionista’s go to accessory, too. If marketing departments in mobile technology companies around the world were to truly give it some thought, they would see that sphonatches could be the new Crocs, only better—with the computer, watch, phone and everything else built in—kind of like an iMac for feet.

In the summertime you could have the comfort of sphonatch sandals, too. Sure, it might look a little weird to see someone holding a sandal up to their ear as they speak, but that kind of weird isn’t necessarily a show stopper. If everyone is holding a sphonatch sandal to their ears in the summer time as they sit on park benches, who is the stupid-looking one here? The ones who don’t buy the sphonatches, that’s who.

The display of the sphonatch could be on the shoe top, too. It definitely won’t be gorilla glass, but it’ll be some kind of bendy, see-through fabric that resists stains from almost-empty cups of Coca-Cola that are thrown down at patrons’ feet while they attend major sporting events. This material would be the Teflon of footwear—resisting all manner of stain, resin, ink and soot.

Thongs

Thongs (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Could the sphonatch make devices like the iPhone obsolete one day like the original iPhone relegated the traditional watch to the chronometer scrap heap? It would only be a fitting twist of fate that timepieces make a complete comeback by way of our feet.

It’s not too late to scrap Apple Watch, Apple. Everyone has a flop every so often. I know you can afford one (a flop) and your market research says it won’t be. But do you really want to take the chance? Plus, think about offering a Sphonatch Flip-Flop model if you must have a flop. Can you say brilliant?

People will line up to buy sphonatches. Take me up on this. People will buy smart watch footwear they can use as mobile devices over anything worn around their wrists.

Trust me. And call me. I can help. Really.

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