With time running out on All Fool’s Eve, I think I’ll ruminate on what it’s like to be a fool and what fools think about before the biggest fool’s holiday of all—April Fool’s Day.
April Fool’s Day is amazingly enough on every calendar that’s still printed. I think this column would be ruined if I were to go ahead and google the origins of April Fool’s Day before finishing it. I prefer to think it’s like the late great George Carlin felt with respect to where the word “shitfaced” began.
“I’m shitfaced, man!”
This was some fool who got drunk and fell face down in a pile of shit. Hence, the term shitfaced drunk. But at the end of the day, I imagine the individual was no more or less a fool for having fallen face down in the pile of shit.
To the contrary, shitfaced to the rescue in some cases, even, would be a possibility among certain, small circles of fools who congregate locally (and are shitfaced).
Fools like those who get shitfaced drunk think about a lot of strange, well, shit! They use operating systems like Windows 8 and wonder why the OS tells them things like, “Maintenance in progress.” Maybe fools don’t want maintenance in progress when they are trying to do something on their computers.
Fools also do things like contemplate why there aren’t the same number of days in each month. It’d be a whole lot easier to assess late fees at the library for overdue books, fools think. That’s because to fools, math in cases like these is easier when you’re dealing with the nice round number of 30, instead of 28, 31 or a leap year’s 29 in February. Fools also don’t understand why certain years like to jump around, so the concept of leap years is frightening to them.
Fools are easily confused by different time zones. Like different numbers of days in months, fools can’t wrap their heads around why there exists the need for it to be a different time in a different place, depending on where you are in the world. Fools crave simplicity and there isn’t anything easier to them than everyone being on the same time. This way it’s always 5 o’clock everywhere and shitfaced drunks don’t have to search out different time zones to begin their late afternoon imbibing.
Fools the night before April Fool’s Day wonder aloud if there might be a chance they’ll find someone tomorrow to use the classic, tried and true April fool’s joke: “Look! Your shoe’s untied! Made you look! Ha ha ha!” Fools think the people who fall for this one are fools, but they are only trying to humor the fool trying to use this on them. People figure, “If I humor the fool, the amount of time they spend bothering me (with crap like this) will be that much less.”
It’s like trying to have a conversation with a lunatic. You start out by saying, “Fine,” when the lunatic asks you how you’re doing. Then the lunatic tells you about how some fool just tried to make him look at his untied shoes. The lunatic feels the fool really is a complete idiot (who wasn’t invited to this conversation with the lunatic and the fool, unfortunately) for trying to make him look down at his shoes because he isn’t wearing any. He is shuffling about in his holy socks, preaching the word of the adjuvant therapists and fulfilling his childhood dream of self-actualization.
So how did April Fool’s Day get started without really looking it up somehow? You’re not celebrating the holiday correctly if you are wondering how fools were given a holiday to celebrate in the first place. This is a day that knows no denomination. Fools amble from every walk of life and there are no restrictions on where they may be lurking. Just know they are out there and their numbers are ever growing.
My belief is that fools at one point ages ago became a threat to the ruling class. Not so much because they were so smart or anything. No, it was more about their numbers. They easily reproduced and could be found everywhere and anywhere. So, fools were given a holiday by the aristocracy. This was done in order to appease them and keep them nonviolent.
I suppose another little known tenet regarding fools is they are easily satisfied. The ruling class must have took pity on fools because they even gave them a holiday in a month with just 30 days. Fools also were fond of saying things like, “at the end of the day.” And, at the end of the day, there’s no fool like a shitfaced, April Fool’s Day fool.