What if we lived in a world where advertising honesty was the rule?

Advertising advertising

Advertising advertising (Photo credit: Toban B.)

Marketing would be different and the ads we are pummeled with would go something more like this:

ABC Insurance…we know you feel the best neighbors are the ones you hardly interact with and barely say anything to but hello in passing. That said, we will TRY and be there should you need us.

The stripped down, yet all new 2014 Hardy Car Car: Yes, a stereo would be nice. But with only four tires and a motor, the chances of you not making payments and the repo man taking it, are that much less.

One Night Sandz Motor Inns – When your business is for just one night, we want it.

Harry’s All Natural Testosterone Booster…Who wants low T (doesn’t sound good) when you can have high T (sounds better)? (This could run during the same commercial break as One Night Sandz Motor Inns.)

You’re going to Die. We Know You Are Suspicious of Fine Print. Here’s to Care Afterlife Insurance: Our fine print is less fine.

Chicago Skyline

Chicago Skyline (Photo credit: Frank Kehren)

Travel/Tourism Campaign for Chicago: Come to Chicago…There were less felonies committed this past year.

One of the products that I have seen recently (and this may have been around for a while; I just don’t watch that much TV) is something along the lines of adult diapers—a most personal, personal product. I think I was watching a football game, maybe, when I saw something come on for male incontinence sufferers. What better times to advertise for products like these, I was thinking. A lot of middle-aged men are either on couches or their “lazyboys” for much of the football season. It’s a long football season. Enough season, err, said.

English: Man suffering from impotence is about...

English: Man suffering from impotence is about to sacrifice a pig to Priapus. Ca. 40 BC. Roman fresco from the eastern wall of room 4 in the Villa dei Misteri in Pompeii. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While we are on the topic of products for men, I believe I am consistently misinterpreting advertising messaging for products addressing erectile dysfunction, or ED (IMHO this acronym (not IMHO) ruined a perfectly good first name, too). I understand these products are supposed to help with blood flow issues to our bits and pieces, among other things. For me, though, the other things that come to mind whenever I see one of these commercials is how lovingly the partners of the men in these commercials are looking into their eyes. This, my friends, is the bigger and more positive message being delivered by commercials in which these products are featured. And, it is not directly being taken advantage of by the advertising, public relations and marketing worlds.

Who does not want to have their partner look adoringly at them while they are slow dancing, sitting on a couch or at the end of a dock somewhere, together, barbecuing in the back yard, or out walking on a stroll hand in hand? I say EVERYONE does! And anti-ED medications should stop implying men will enjoy greater eye contact with their partners (if they use the products) and start directly alluding to the possibility that increased eye contact may in fact result from their use:

Dynamo Richard’s: The algae colored pill engineered to relieve erectile dysfunction symptoms that may help you re-establish eye contact with your spouse. Isn’t that nice, too?

And you could incorporate the eye contact tenet into the disclaimer verbiage at the end of the commercials, too. “Ask your physician if you are healthy enough for sexual activity and also if you are easily overwhelmed by the thought of regular eye contact with your partner. If erection and eye contact persist for more than four hours seek immediate medical help.”

Continuing with products aimed at the male segment of the marketing universe…

Willy’s All-Natural Male Enhancement – We know it doesn’t work, but maybe you’ll give it a try because, well, it’s all natural.

Zoomie’s Satellite TV: You get pro football, first run movies, adult channels, all that and more, except for when it’s storming real badly outside.

Don’t miss the season premiere of Zombie La La La La La La La La La– the “other” zombie show you can watch when you’re not watching that other one.

Skin Tight Wrinkle Cream—doesn’t eliminate wrinkles, but your face is inflamed so it feels that way!

Something Else Is Wrong Automotive Service: Much like regular doctors, if you bring us your car for something specific, our ASE certified mechanics will find additional, unrelated problems with it.

Weight and height are used in computing body m...

Weight and height are used in computing body mass index, an indicator of risk for developing obesity-associated diseases. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The See Food Diet: Because we know you know that all diets have a healthy sprinkling of BS in them.

Happy Dayz Investment Brokers: If you have to ask about account management fees, you can’t afford us.

Get Real Retirement Advisors: This single commercial costs more than you will make in a lifetime. Get Real.

What’s-uh Matta U School of Hard Knocks: Because being in six figure student loan debt upon obtaining a college degree of questionable value, is the ultimate lesson you can learn in life.

Changing gears as we head for home…

Apple had its much heralded debut of the iPhone 5C and 5S yesterday. There was a lot of reporting done by the technology press over these announcements. The “C” in 5C evidently stands for color or “colorful,” and the “S” in 5S is for Siri or Second Edition or Should Have Been Better for All the Advance Hype.

But how can Apple really improve the shock and awe factor when they release technology that is only an incremental improvement over that which currently exists? Some would say the word underwhelming is appropriate especially when compared to what Android phone users have access to.

I did see what was for me a new term, “Fandroid,” in obvious deference to Apple “Fanboys,” regarding Android and iPhone aficionados, respectively, in a piece I had read. I thought this word was the most interesting part of all the reviews of the new iPhones that I have read the past two days; hence the aforementioned use of “underwhelming.”

English: A crab. Português: Um siri.

English: A crab. Português: Um siri. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If Apple was honest, it would stop stressing and pressing over innovation, and just adopt some honesty when it comes to things like its annual refresh of its iPhone lines. They could even have Siri (if that’s what the “S” stands for in iPhone 5S) in her sexy, automaton baritone do the voiceover for the new iPhone truth in advertising campaign:

Stop your whining. This is all you get for another year.


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