Humor

Ode to the plumber (or back to the basics of crack)

If you’ve ever had to deal with plumbing repair jobs you know what a bear they can be. First of all, you have to be a contortionist–fitting your body into small spaces it never was meant to be…ever.

We all have heard one version or another of a joke involving a “plumber’s crack.” But, if you go under the sink to address the leak, your pants will probably ride down far enough so you are sporting one–no matter your size. I’ve even come to the conclusion that if you don’t have a plumber’s crack at some point during a plumbing repair, you’re simply not doing it right. No crack, no gain.

A Plumber at work.

A Plumber at work. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Rare are the times when a repair can be effected by amateurs in such a manner that they are in and out in minutes and sans plumber’s crack. The plumbing gods will not think of it. They want you to be squirming, contorting, cramping, bitching and yes, moaning, as no matter what combination of finesse and strength you apply, the leak remains the same (if not worse).

I’ve thought about whether or not there actually are plumbing gods. If there are, why not just make a sacrifice to them before you get started. Prior to sticking your neck under the kitchen sink and into the land of sponges, cleaning solution and tall kitchen garbage bags, why not just give the gods what they want? Go ahead and pull your pants down far enough so the plumber’s crack can bloom. It’s gonna happen anyway and maybe the gods will smile down upon your crack (or some other body part) and actually have you complete the job with a minimum of fuss and effort.

Who am I kidding?

I just said that practically no one ever gets out of home plumbing projects without some misery. I usually end up all sweaty, sore and tired, so if I sport my crack from the git go, I’m just cutting to the crack, I mean, chase. I know I’ll be in a for a fight and perhaps a bit of bare upper ass at the start might be just the thing that sees me through to the bitter end. It’s worth a try, right?

I’m so disgusted.

And discouraged.

Once you’ve got plumbing apart you know you’re in for it. There’s no going back (unless you’re talking about back “crack” or just going “back” to Home Depot…yet again). Weekend plumbers typically do not have access to actual plumbing outfitters and stores. They are left at the mercy of the big box stores to help improvise their way through a job.

English: Thanksgiving Dinner, Falmouth, Maine,...

English: Thanksgiving Dinner, Falmouth, Maine, USA 2008 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s very cruel how things typically work out. The guy (or gal) has purchased everything they think they will need in advance, researched what the job entails (on the Internet) and also have at their disposal all of the tools they think they’ll use.

Plumbing is not like moving, or even painting, when it comes to enlisting friends to help you with the job. The kind of expertise that pizza and beer buys for projects like moving or painting does not transfer to the likes of plumbing. The worse thing that can happen on a paint job is you accidentally paint yourself into a corner. But anyone who’s done that a time or two usually doesn’t try painting ever again. Moving requires brute strength and guys will lift a lot of weight for some pizza and beer. Been going on like that for around a couple hundred years or so at least, I figure.

The lure of the weekend plumbing project is such that the person undertaking it basically talks themselves into it. They figure they have all weekend.

Who can’t fix a kitchen faucet throwing a bit of water under the sink if given 48 hours to repeatedly attempt repair? Practically everyone.

A Plumbing We Will Go

A Plumbing We Will Go (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The best thing to do when considering a plumbing project beyond the scope of plunging the toilet after Aunt Bertha drops trou (spell check actually suggested the word “trout,” which I think is the funniest thing here so far) after Thanksgiving dinner, is to bite the bullet and call a professional. You know, someone that really puts the crack back in plumber’s crack.

If you’re smart you will. Only this time, instead of a look of disgust, it’s a big smile you’ll sport as you mesmerizingly fixate on your professional plumber’s crack at work.

 

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