Humor

Assupyanose: A stupid, interesting allergy soliloquy

English: This is a picture of the original KLE...

English: This is a picture of the original KLEENEX trademark filed in 1924. The origins of this drawing in stylized word form is Saturday, July 12, 1924 when Cellucotton Products Company of Neenah, Wisconsin filed a trademark application for U.S. federal trademark registration. Kimberly-Clark Corporation owns this trademark. http://www.trademarkia.com/kleenex-71199932.html The USPTO has given the trademark serial number of 71199932. The current status of the trademark is registered and renewed. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Allergy season leaves us sniffling like children and also saps our energy so we are in bed by 8 p.m. (just like children). Such is life during the spring in certain parts of the country.

Additionally, allergy season makes us do stupid, interesting stuff. At least I think it’s stupid and interesting. True confession…if I take the last tissue from the box more often than not I stuff it back in so it looks like there’s more left to the next unsuspecting sniffler.

I’ve done this in work settings as well as at home. I’ve also done it at the homes of friends. I think that friends should have fuller boxes of tissues for guests than ones with only one left; it’s rude and begs people like me to do this stupid, interesting thing.

I suppose I have no shame. Sometimes allergy season leaves me so drained that the least little act like pulling the last Kleenex from the box immediately inclines me towards returning it so I don’t have to replace the box of tissues that is spent. This is because it simply requires more energy than I’m willing to expend at the moment.

For instance, if I’m at a friend’s house, I have to ask things like, “Hey John, I took the last Kleenex. Where do you keep the extra boxes?” This takes energy and finesse. And besides, John probably doesn’t give a crap that he’s out of tissue. He’ll use toilet tissue before he’ll replace the box for the likes of me.

I’m sure I’ve been punished for stuffing the last Kleenex back into the box and using toilet tissue myself. Probably the universe or the keepers of the superstitious were the ones doing the punishing, too. Either way, I’ve been screwed for committing this hideous act, and probably more than once I might add. It reeks of inconsideration and trickery. If the shoe fits, I suppose, wear it.

English: A small box of Kleenex.

English: A small box of Kleenex. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But, I still consider myself overall a good person. When someone calls another person a “good person,” however, you have to take it with a grain of salt. Being a good person is all relative. Who one person thinks is a good person is not such a good person to someone else.

And allergy season can make even overall good people like myself do things they are not proud of. If I sneeze on linoleum tiled floors, for example, and the projectile phlegm finds its way over my covered mouth and several feet in front of me on the shiny floor, I make every effort to tilt my head, see where it resides by looking for uneven splotches in the gleaming floor surfaces and fetch some Kleenex to clean it up. They don’t call it Kleenex for nothing, I guess.

Aside from winter’s cold and flu season, there aren’t too many times we can say where we end up doing these kinds of things. It’s not so much gross as it is a part of everyday life. Everyone does some skaggy things and allergy season brings out unsightly behavior for its stricken.

There’s really no relief for allergy sufferers, either. They pay for their malady until the intensity of the season passes. No over the counter remedy works entirely without some side effects. And there are all the warnings that come with them, too. If you have (insert medical condition), consult your doctor before taking, “Assupyanose.” Assupyanose is not intended for small children or adults who enjoy staying up later than 8 p.m.

I recently tried a generic, store brand version of Assupyanose and the most stupid, funny thing I read about in the instructions pamphlet was that some users might experience a mild, floral scent at the back of their throats. The drug’s manufacturers tried to allay any concerns its users might have, describing the floral scent as evidence the drug was working. Of course it implied for me that if I didn’t get the floral scent, the drug wasn’t working. But again, the manufacturers assured that whether you got the floral scent or not, Assupyanose is really and truly, working.

And at the end of the day, that is all I want from my allergy medication. That, and another full box of Kleenex.

Peace.

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