Human Interest

Guys, don’t fail the stupid test on Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is one of those Hallmark holidays that instead of taking on the true meaning of love, lust and hopeful longing, assumes an entirely different persona when one experiences a breakup on it.

This is the worst case Valentine’s Day scenario. The Valentine’s Day breakup is even worse than not having a Valentine at all. If you have someone who’ll be your Valentine, then you can do all the typically silly stuff that women say they don’t really want you to do but really want you to do.

Scan of a Valentine greeting card dated 1909.

Scan of a Valentine greeting card dated 1909. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Take it from someone who has been told on more than one occasion, “You don’t have to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, Bob. It’s a Hallmark holiday and chocolates and flowers don’t mean anything to me. All I need is your love.”

This is the great trap statement of a lifetime that if you’re lucky, you aren’t stupid enough to believe more than once. You typically only get one chance to learn these lines are complete and utter bullshit when you ill-fatedly decide to follow through on not getting her anything for Valentine’s Day. It’s part of the constant testing that women do to their men. Part of the game that is seeking out what is best in the gene pool. You might want to try not getting her anything but I advise against it as you’ll only be showing her you failed the stupid test.

“What the f#*k, Bob!? You didn’t get me anything for Valentine’s Day? What is wrong with you!? I repeat, what is wrong with you!?”

“I thought you said I didn’t have to get you anything! That my love was all that mattered to you! Liar! Liar! Liar! That’s what you are! Why did you lie to me? I can’t take your words at face value! I feel completely lied to!”

That was all I had when the big confrontation over no Valentine’s Day gifts came to a head.

St. Valentine's Day

St. Valentine’s Day (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

And, apparently, if it wasn’t before, everything is now wrong with me. But not for long as my ass was as good as dumped after an exchange like that. And once you’re dumped there isn’t anything wrong with you anymore. History can be kind that way. You won’t be remembered as being the guy who didn’t buy his girlfriend Valentine’s Day chocolates. Eventually you’ll just be talked about on rainy day get-togethers between your ex and her girlfriends as the one who failed the stupid test.

Guys are not in touch with their emotions. Guys typically walk cold mall floors alone on Christmas Eve searching for something to get their beloved. It’s the same with Valentine’s Day. On shows no longer on the air like, “Mad Men,” big shot guys have their secretaries buy their significant other’s presents for them. But most guys know no such luxury. Notice how I slipped the words “know no” in there one after the other?

Children's Valentine, 1940–1950

Children’s Valentine, 1940–1950 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As one of those guys who has had to navigate muddy waters on more than one occasion in life in order to more fully appreciate the still, clear, calm ones better, I can relate to the idiot that is fooled by the, “You don’t have to get me anything for Valentine’s Day” routine.

Valentine’s Day is a Big Deal for women whether they’ll admit it or not. It’s like anything else that gets talked about when girls get together with their girlfriends. Your girlfriend’s girlfriends know everything there is to know about you because your girlfriend tells it all to them. If you take anything at all away from this piece today it should be that nugget. Trust me. If you f*#k up enough to fall for the you don’t have to get anything for me bit, you will most likely not make it to another Valentine’s Day with the same girlfriend. Hence, the statement earlier regarding you’ll probably only make this error once unless you don’t even remotely resemble a mental giant.

Vinegar Valentine, circa 1900

Vinegar Valentine, circa 1900 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While guys that don’t fail the stupid test come across with at least something for their significant other’s on Valentine’s Day (and live to enjoy next year’s Valentine’s Day with the same woman in the process), the even worse scenario is the one where the girl breaks up with the guy on Valentine’s Day over the phone when he’s set to drop by and give her his present in person.

“Bob?”

“Hi yes. Rita?”

“Bob, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“Really? Don’t cry, it’s alright.”

“I just don’t feel we are where we should be right now in the relationship.”

“So, we’re breaking up. Do you want to talk about this in person?”

“No, I think it would be too difficult.”

“Alright, whatever you like Rita.”

Anthropomorphic Valentine, circa 1950–1960

Anthropomorphic Valentine, circa 1950–1960 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“You want me to drop off your Valentine Day’s gifts? You can have them you know.”

“No, that’s alright. Can’t you give them to your mother?”

“No, I can’t.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t want them. Give them to someone else. And another thing, Bob. I don’t want to be friends with you, either. I really don’t see the point.”

“OK Rita. However you like it.”

Goodbye Bob.”

“Goodbye Rita.”

And because we deserve a happier ending, I leave you with the following exchange from a classic George Carlin bit:

“Bob?”

Yes?”

“Hello.”

“Hello?”

“Yes, hello.”

“Who is this?”

“This is Jane.”

“Jane?”

“You met me at a party.”

“About six to eight weeks ago. Said I was a really good sport.”

“Jane? Oh yeah, Jane! How are you, Jane?”

“Well, I’m PREGNANT! And I’m about to jump out the window.”

“Gee, you really are a good sport.”

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