Median dudes, fireworks and other random deliberations

Guys enjoying at least a small measure of good fortune panhandling on the elevated median I drive past on the way to work are getting younger and more athletic.

Signs they hold up are mostly unintelligible and secondary to their success as far as I’m concerned.

The lady in front of me in the adjacent turn lane waits for the traffic light green arrow in her white Jaguar. She suddenly rolls down her window, waves a dollar bill in the median dudes’ direction and one of them agilely hops down from his perch. The young man proceeds to cross my lane, plucks the legal tender from the fair maiden’s outstretched hand and offers many thanks before scampering back to his post.

This guy isn’t in such bad shape I’m thinking. I believe motorists could be rewarding the median dudes for practicing panhandling in dangerous locations and for their athletic ability, as much as for the unfortunate, situational predicaments outlined in their cardboard signs.

These guys have to be quick, nimble and aware, as one slip while rushing to pluck some currency before the arrow turns green, and bam! Tragedy could befall them.

As I navigate the turn past the median myself today, I can’t help thinking I wouldn’t want to take on the median dudes Saturday morning in a game of flag football. They would surely whoop me and my guys, plucking our flags as easily as the dollar bills they snatch during a day’s work on the median.

And now for more radon, I mean, random deliberations…

• After getting my haircut early Monday afternoon and having the stylist put their handheld mirror up to the back of my head so I can see in the facing big mirror that my rounded corners pass muster, I think I might at least temporarily rename this blog to hittingthebaldspot.

• Never mind the poochies, I would like to be dropped off at doggie day care.

• Everyone needs to just chill during the NFL exhibition season. Wait until they start playing the games for real before getting too excited about your team’s chances.

That said, my prediction for the Super Bowl is Peyton Manning gets another chance to beat the Chicago Bears—(this time as a member of the Denver Broncos) before riding off into the sunset for good as a two-time Super Bowl winner and leaving the Broncos quarterbacking future to John Elway’s handpicked Peyton successor: Brock Osweiler. Hey, it could happen!

But, I reserve the right to change all this. It’s just preseason still, you know.

In all seriousness, I like the Bears a lot compared to the Broncos’ chances of getting to the big dance (search our April archives for Peyton’s Place Won’t Be Here). The old is new again Jay Cutler to Brandon Marshall pigskin aerial connection is my biggest reason for throwing in with da Bears–that and the big IF that is them staying healthy.

• Speaking of injuries and staying healthy…there is great parity in the NFL. Whichever teams avoid the injury bug at critical positions on both sides of the ball, will be the ones playing deep into the playoffs come January.

• I like flexing the golden pipes when I’m showering. I particularly enjoy sustaining a good, hearty vibrato on any given note. Presently, I have been having fun belting out parts of “The Way You Look Tonight,” while getting clean. You might as well go for the gold when you’re flexing the golden pipes, I always say. Bonus is that the neighbors have not complained (yet), either.

• Every man needs to know how to fix their toilet. Even if it’s a Mansfield model “terlit” like mine, you should be able to do it yourself.

• When something bad happens during your day, short of an emergency involving life or death, instead of (over)reacting, ask yourself how might you turn this around and take something positive away?

The answer involves creative thinking. You can train yourself to do it. The key at the onset is to say to yourself, “I know on the surface this appears to be not good. But there is at least one good thing that can come out of this. What is it?” You just need to identify one.

Then, you can respond to the immediate needs of the situation, always knowing that once addressed, you can leave it with something positive before finally moving forward again to the rest of whatever the day may bring you.

Sometimes you have to react so fast you have to leave the thought of taking something positive away from the situation, until later. That is fine. Just try to reflect afterwards at some point, what that could be. Figure it out, apply it (if possible), own it and then leave it alone—you are done.

• I don’t think any kids say they want to be proctologists when they grow up.

• I wish ALL Dollar Stores would have $1 magnifier reading glasses (I could then maybe read the median dudes’ signs better while I wait for the green turn arrow).

• Much like the end of baseball season for some minor league teams’ fans, I think after completing a particularly trying project on schedule or meeting an impossible job assignment deadline, employers should reward their employees with $1 foot long hot dogs and fireworks displays.



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