Humor

Dysfunction, erectile or otherwise ultimate entertainment for extraterrestrials

I, for one, was not waiting all day for Sunday night. Waiting implies you’re doing nothing, except, well, waiting. Waiting is not the ultimate action verb, not even close.

That’s why by the time Sunday night football comes on, I’m usually not able to stay up until the game’s finish. I’ve been doing stuff all day and not actually waiting, for Sunday night, so my energy level by the time Sunday night gets here isn’t too high. Not even high enough to sit in the lazy boy and watch Al & Chris to completion.

Driver in a Mitsubishi Galant using a hand hel...

Driver in a Mitsubishi Galant using a hand held mobile phone violating New York State law. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Between waiting all day for Sunday night and waiting for the next installment of Walking Dead or The Strain, aliens from another solar system would think we all have a strange apocalyptic death wish as well as an appreciation for violent collisions between large, athletic young men, based on the most popular Sunday night television viewing habits we humans have.

If they watch the commercials for these programs they’d also find we’re obsessed with erectile dysfunction, cars, trucks and fantasy sports gambling. I think it would make sense for these aliens to conclude our demise would be soon and at our own hands to boot.

I occasionally enjoy a movie from the late 90s or earlier, if only to sit through two hours of not seeing someone using a mobile phone. We do have to keep up with all the technological trends, though, as to do otherwise is to be discarded, left behind. I appreciate and enjoy using technology. I understand phones are part of our popular culture. We don’t call them mobile or cell phones anymore, either, as there are more mobile phones than land line ones.

English: Mobile phone scrap, old decomissioned...

English: Mobile phone scrap, old decomissioned mobile phones, defective mobile phones (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Phones, computers, tablets, football, zombies, vampires and pills to make us feel better and/or increase our libidos and ability to perform sexually, are pretty much what the aliens would see our essential life ingredients as; all this and the pursuit of the almighty buck. But, they’d see how silly and futile it is for the 99% to chase the buck as hard as we do. They’d understand that CEO pay without limits prevents any strides in living wages for common workers from occurring.

One thing not so serious that would amuse them is the touchdown dance. But after discovering Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, they’d understand not only the touchdown dance, but the sack dance, the wave and the high and low fives.

When NFL players come out of the tunnel during pre-game announcements a lot of them are running and low-fiving their teammates who have already run out of the tunnel. Fans in the stands do the high five when their team scores. The low five seems to be restricted to the pre-game, tunnel-running-out-of ritual. I’m wondering (and assuming, like the aliens), why the low five gets such short shrift.

They’d also wonder why both of the most popular computer operating systems in our world have the number 10 in their name: Windows 10 and Mac OS X. In the case of Apple’s computer OS, the ten is a roman numeral. The aliens would no doubt chalk this up to Apple innovation. Generally-speaking, we use ten as the high end of the benchmark scale.

“On a scale of one to ten, how bad is your pain?”

“That girl is a perfect 10.”

I think our gymnastic competition scores used to be on a scale of one to ten until they shortened it to one to five; probably due to marketing time constraints so they could get in one more commercial for erectile dysfunction. I could be wrong, I can’t remember, nor do I want to look it up.

Ten seems to be a pretty high up there number for us except when it comes to test scores in the academic world. Getting only a 10 on the majority of exams would complicate a student’s on time graduation.

Alien2

Alien2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All in all, when you think about it, there probably shouldn’t realistically be much hope for our long-term survival. The saddest thing, I think, too, is that as a civilization, we want to be taken so seriously, despite all of the ridiculously stupid things we do.

Speaking of ridiculous, did you hear the one about the chameleon that couldn’t change color? He suffered from a reptile dysfunction.

That’s all, folks, except, the aliens are evidently reconsidering their decision to actually contact us. They want to see what happens as well as enjoy a few more laughs at our expense.

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